Life Update: It seems I’m going nowhere.
Today is the first day of the last month of the year and this year is a whole hurdle but not everyone is happy for this year to end and I’m one of them. Well, to say it well, I’m glad the year will end, is ending. I’m however not happy about the way it is ending. So I wish I could stage a demonstration, sit in front of 2018’s head office and say I’m going nowhere till I’m given what I deserve (think I deserve). But that’s not going to happen so let’s talk about another going nowhere.
Today is the first day of the last month of the year and this year I’ve lived in the constant place of knowing so solidly that I’m going nowhere with most of the efforts I’m making in the many areas of living. I take a look at my goals and plans and the many good things I wanted to grasp out of the hands of 2018 and I don’t know which ones I can tick or cross for accomplishment. And in truth that is why I want the year to end and that is why I do not want the year to end. Because I have done nothing else. I have just been living.
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I have just been living. That’s what I murmur to myself. Just been living. And is living not enough in itself? Is wanting to take in air, willing to take in air and eat and drink and sleep and work and try at your dreams again and again and try at your purpose over and over not an enough way of living? Isn’t it okay to be in a place where breathing is important? Where it is okay if all you can do is to breath and wait for the next breathe? Is that really such a horrible place to be at? Should life only go somewhere when you have medals to hug to your chest? Books with your name blazing across as author? A billion likes on Instagram, a trillion retweets on twitter? What does it even mean for life to go somewhere and so life going nowhere?
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When I have said to myself that life seems to be going nowhere, I often mean I cannot see with my eyes what I think my efforts should have gotten me by now. I mean I cannot find anything (that will make me proud) to feel between my fingers. I mean, there’s nothing by which to tell if God is happy with me, my doing. Yet that is precisely why I believe God puts us in seasons like this; our desire to always be able to feel what is, to see what should be. I think He puts us in a place where just living with Him and for Him is enough. The place where we get a strong sense of love from Him, for Him, for ourselves if we were to have/ do nothing more (that makes us feel more alive and human). A place where living and living and living is an enough venture for us. Where we hope for what cannot be seen and believe that we would see it one day.
When I have said to myself that life seems to be going nowhere, I often mean I am impatient about the process it is taking to become all I know I am made to be. I mean I’m weary of blooming late when now blooming is only ever accepted when it is blooming early. That makes me realize how slowly this contemporary quick results mindset has seeped into me and made me want to see my seed sprout and become the tree and bear fruits all in a day. Or perhaps, it has only awakened my own quick results mindset, allowed it to have lungs for air. Isn’t this a sad truth? Why must life not be lived slowly and wholly and thoroughly till none of it has been left unexplored (in the name of going somewhere)
©Awo Twumwaah 2018
Afua Awo Twumwa 